Thursday, October 29, 2009
waiting..................
It's 11.36pm and I feel tired.. Good. At least there is a positive change in my life; my inner body clock is adjusting back to normal. But somehow, a very very silly part of me doesn't want to go to sleep, it wants to WAIT. For money to land from the skies. Okay, I was just uttering bull. For a virtual reality.
Ha ha ha, to normal beings, seeing the word '' virtual'' already represents ''unrealistic'' in their minds, and yes, they are right. Of course I knew this all along, just that I'm chasing after something impossible. Chasing? Not really the right word, but.............................. Somehow describes how I feel now. Because it's kinda one-sided to me. He doesn't know,why should he? Yes, he has the faintest idea and clue but I think he thought I was just pulling his leg. I don't know, and I don't care. Because there will never be a future. So close, yet so far.
Life can turn out to be so sadistic in its own little ways. I had, and I still need, a damn break. Not just some ordinary one month leave or whatsoever, but really, to get out of this damn country and go somewhere else where no one knows me. Thailand? Yes, I've been thinking. But then my expenses? It isn't sponsored. :( But deifinitely worth it.
Life in Singapore is just made for me, hectic and fast-paced. However, I do not need any of that now. What I need is just to be away from the boredom here. It's been quite some time since I experienced any thrilling moments. Okay, so I'm getting myself back again soon too. Another joy to jump for.. Yay. Damn I sound so horribly dull and bored, which is exactly what I am feeling now. What the hell, better stop blogging already.
Posted @ [
11:36 PM]
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
The jorney I'd embarked through... and starting on a new one.
Yes Kenny, I knowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww . . . . . Spiders are dancing their ways in and making new beautiful webs across and across every single virtual page of my blog, earning my blog a chance to take part in a blog design decoration contest and an ever fainter chance of turning out top.
Okay, ignore me. I am slightly sacarstic and kinda feeling sorry for myself now.. Dying to stoke my head when the whole ordeal ends because.... I asked for it. -.-''
Barely slept, and ha-ha-ha, what an understatement. Bearing in mind that I have lots on my agenda today, or rather, to-do-list, I still went to bed late last night. Why? All reason due to the fact that I slept a lot the night before. And just when I knew it would be, at around 5 am in the wee hours of the morning, I started to soak into my pre-sleep ambience and drifted towards sleep. However ( !!! ), many factors disabled me to do so. Such as
1) Heard voices; people talking; sounded like they were coming from Jasmine's room.
Ears closer to that direction :Voices sounded like that of a couple; meaning 1 male and 1 female.
!@@#$$%^&**( Impossible ! The latest she reaches home after a late night binge session is ......... 12 plus??????????? Okay, whatever,her freedom anyway. But, she's always so considerate............. 2) Heard knockings on the door. Singular knock, multiple times. Believe me, I wished I was dreaming. It is NOT funny.
Proceeded to chat on msn with Gary instead.... and lost my ability to sleep temporarily due to the huge burning knockout evidence of the sun, and due to the image of my to-do-list hanging around in my mind, which possessed a tiny voice urging me not to even try to ''forget'' about it.
What. an. interesting. adventure.
Anyway, the overall of the story ( if there was one to start with in the first place ), is that I am no longer the Nico Xinyi you used to know. I can't say I'm better, I can't say I'm more than what I made myself out to be, I can't say that I've wisened up, nor can I say every single word you would have loved to hear me say. But I can say this; this Nico Xinyi has been through definitely more SHIT than any other living 20 year old young lady in Singapore in the 21st century. And I'm still finding my way out, slowly, so that I can digest every single experience I'd been through, and to make sure that I only leave footprints behind, not half or even a fifth of my shoe.
Yes, I have changed. Someway somewhat somehow. Not in a better way, not in a worse way, but just changed. Almost to the extent of a cold-blooded larvae-eating old hag, but hey........ I still have my warm side; it still exists (: Only to those who are truly worth it.
Sometimes, I blame this world for taking away my innocence and naiviety at such a young age. True, I may just protest that it's a good thing, for I'll never be taken for as a young wild naive adult, to be put under the same torments all over again. No. fucking. way. But yet, seeing the clockwork process of the others, I can't help but feel a tinge of pity. Pity. A word what I detest, but yet, only I myself is able to use it on myself without feeling offended.
Anyway, if I were to continue with what I was writing, I can totally forget about coming home for dinner on Christmas next year. And the next..... And the next.... And the next.......................
I know, mum is worrying a lot. But hey, give me some space to grow up, alright? I'm not stating that I do not have my own personal space at home, but all I need is to find my own way out in life; not always being spoon-fed, or having a roof over me no matter rain or shine. And not to mention the feeling of being put under 24 hrs non-stop surveillance; it's something I could do without. Seriously. You may always view your life according to your point of view, just like how I view mine in my point of view, but to look at my point of view for one second, take that glare away, and visualise how tempting that offer would be but minus the potential quarrels what will take place and the fights???? Involving some scissors or something? And most of all, do not always pretend but still glance at me while walking past, etc... I can't help feeling like some criminal offender, a murderer who is about to do my time.
I love my family, I love my home. All these are still, and will always be, number one in my heart. As long as I exist, I do my best to make sure that all of these will always be intact and that no one can even cause a single crack, let alone a whole mess. I miss sleeping with Amanda in our beautiful pink air-conditioned room. I miss Mum's cooking. I miss Uncle Harold's laughter. I miss Shawn's quiet but touching way of telling me that he cares. I miss them so much, and yes, though I'm starting to embark on yet another journey, having just come round from one, I still believe that there is something in this world worth all our sacrifices.
Along the journey I take this opportunity to thank my friends for all their moral support and for their unbelievable tolerance towards all my bullshit. Not to mention my family too, for all their unconditional love come what may. This translates into endless silent worrying, countless flows of tears when the lights are out, and Mum, put that pretty familar smile on your face more often. Take that scowl away, it's making you look older and causing wrinkles. =)
Posted @ [
11:34 AM]
nicoxinyi
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December 2008
Designer : %BLUE.pink-
I'm just one of the gazillions in this big, big world named NICO a.k.a XINYI who loves her family, friends, loved ones and LIFE the way it is and who arrived in this world on 